Sunday, August 31, 2014

A long time ago...

I started this blog a long time ago as a manner is which to decompress and air out my thoughts. I don't care if anyone really follows so I haven't really been adamant about posting frequently. My last post was in April. Today is the last day in August. Summer is gone. School is back in session. Fall is at our doorstep...well, sort of. Here in San Antonio summer holds on till February. It's so hot here. But I do like living here.

A long time ago, I was not skilled in the art of being social. I do believe I am what's known as socially awkward. I have lots to say on many things and when I'm around people it usually comes out wrong or weird. I'm okay with it actually. Sometimes. Anyway. It took me 7 years in Tampa to make friends. Here...it's been a year and a half and I must say I have a handful of really good friends. Much faster. Am I better at reaching out? Do I have more things in common with people now that I have entered motherhood? Or is it the being a military wife with two small children and a husband who is never around an excellent motivator to come out of one's shell and say "Hi, neighbor."? Perhaps my current situation is the driving force behind my recently developed social-butterfly condition?

A long time ago, I was very anti-social and pretty much hated being around other humans. Especially the smaller, noisier, dirty ones known as children. I would hold my husband's hand, stand behind him, head down, and barely utter a greeting when introduced. Strange really. My whole life I have been meeting and greeting and I've had to hold conversations with folks. Mainly it was after my parent's presentation of our missionary work in Central America and folks would come up with questions. Come to think of it, I'm better at informing other humans than I am of actually carrying on a conversation. *I should clarify that I do not hate children. I am aware that my sarcastic humor can be mistaken as me being a perfectly horrible human being*

A long time ago, I was tenderhearted. Oh wait, I still am. I've just learned to not let it show. Like ever! I know that I come off as unfeeling or uncaring. I rarely know what to say in situations where someone else might be able to respond with something encouraging. I seem to be seen as the tougher one in the group of friends who doesn't understand what it's like to get my feelings hurt or upset by another's actions, words, or look. I am actually very easily hurt, even though I tell EVERYONE that I am not. I just try to convince myself that I have a tough skin. Say it to you believe it, right? When people hurt me I feel awful (naturally), I don't let them see it, I go home and I tell my husband how mean that person was to me, and then I push it down deep and tell myself it doesn't matter. It's not worth it. I'm not worth it. Keeping the peace is more important. Drama bad. Peace good. Anyway.

A long time ago is still happening for me today. I am better at certain things. I'm still praying and God is still working on aspects of my being. But I am important to God, my husband, and my family. That's what matters in the end. I still want to make a difference in the lives of others, I'm just held back by...me.

Still growing,
Lydia

*Edited
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