Me Trying to Figure Out...Me

I mentioned earlier that I am trying to accomplish too many things. My guidelines are very strict and narrow. Instead of starting out slow and easy, I made it difficult. I took it upon myself to not only change my family from dining out/in to home-cooked meals, but to also do away with all processed foods and eat only REAL food. I put an immense amount of pressure on myself with our proper planing or prepping. I became overwhelmed and discouraged almost immediately. I gave up before I started, but I'm hardheaded and stubborn and refused to accept utter defeat. I kept trying. The more I tried without a plan or some direction I became frustrated and angry. Why can't I do this? It's not difficult. I'm not the best cook in the world, but I can cook...some. I started to pick apart everything about myself being a domesticated individual. I compared myself to my sisters, all of whom are excellent and skilled cooks. All three of my sisters are capable of raising children, keeping a clean house, making delicious meals, and other activities outside the home.

Here's their breakdown:

• The oldest sister is married, has 1 toddler, and goes to school
• The second oldest sister is married, has 1 kid which she homeschools, was very active in her church ministries and was a key spouse for over a year
• Then there's me...
• The youngest sister is married, has 2 kids under the age of 5, makes and sells jewelry, and is an active Zumba Fitness instructor

They are all busy and still capable of running a household properly...so what's my problem? I wish I knew. I know that organization is not a strong characteristic of mine. I'll write 5 lists a day and misplace them. I wake up eager and ready to be productive, but somehow plans fall through for me. I used to be so ashamed that I just couldn't be like my sisters. But now, I'm just trying to figure out how not to be me. I don't mean that in a derogatory way toward myself. I only mean that I'm trying to break the cycle I seem to be stuck in.

I took a personality and a spiritual gifts assessment and I have learned a few things about myself that may help me break this cycle. The personality test said that I was a high blue personality with some orange and green traits, but VERY low gold characteristics. According to this test, blues are feelers. Blues can be as extreme as a "bleeding-heart", I am not a bleeding-heart. I hide a lot under a tough skin, but underneath I'm all mush. Only person who truly knows me is my husband. He took the test and declared that I was a blue months before I ever took the test myself. Blues feel for others and are always considering the others feelings before their own. They only think of helping others. I do this a lot. We're having a gender reveal party for our second child and I have changed the date twice to not inconvenience others. I got things going to finally get a Key Spouse program for our new unit and to make sure not to offend or hurt anyone's feelings, I made sure the other lady interested was also involved. I allowed my husband to bring home an 8 week chihuahua, even though we have a toddler, I am 5 months pregnant, and I will be it's primary caregiver because I couldn't stand to see him sad about not getting a dog. In conclusion, a blue personality puts the feelings and desires of others before their own, even if sometimes it ends up inconveniencing the blue. That's me! I've given away Zumba® Fitness services because someone couldn't afford it and I couldn't stand to have them miss out on the benefits. I could seriously go on forever. Orange is a risk taker; whether in adventure, relationship, or business. An entrepreneur and free thinker. Green is all facts and no emotion. They are scientific and skeptical. They don't take things at face-value. They do their own research to confirm truth and validity. Gold. Oh gold. Gold's are the party-planners. They are organized. They tend to think they are in charge of projects. They plan, prepare, and think things through. I am SO not a gold!! It is my polar opposite! 

The spiritual gifts assessment pegged me as a servant, caregiver, and teacher. They serve and give to a fault. They want to help others. They are always looking for a way to serve. I believe that I chose the fitness and health industry as my focus because I want to help others. I have a heart for women. I like working with both genders, BUT I really LOVE working with women. I want every female I meet to live a healthy life! It's not about outside looks. It's about what's going on inside the body that is truly important. I love working in my church. I miss working on the mission field with my parents. If I'm not helping or serving others I feel lost. Incomplete. Teaching others about God or health and fitness are passions for me. I chose to be a Mary Kay consultant because I believe that I can help change women's lives! It's not all about the makeup - even though that's fun. It's about taking care of yourself. God gave us one body. Proper skincare or health practices are important.

Well, I'm still learning my strengths and weaknesses and how to maximize or minimize them. I'm nearly 30 and I still have so much to learn. I started this blog as an outlet for all my thoughts. I struggle with organization and direction. I am passionate about so many things and I want to do them all. I wear these hats every day, but I still need to work on wearing them well. I try not to compare myself to others, although it does happen. One day at a time. One hat at a time. 

So my journey continues...